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If you’ve been struggling with feeling self-conscious during intimate moments, read on for my tips on having body confidence in the bedroom…
1. Establish Safety and Comfort.First, and this is probably the most important one, make sure that whoever you’re getting intimate with is making you feel SAFE and COMFORTABLE. Although I’m a feminist who believes that women can have sex with whoever they whenever they want just like men can (contrary to what society has told us), I think that for both men and women sex feels better when you’re truly connected to the person. If we’re having sex just for the sake of having sex or proving something to someone or worse, if we’re just afraid to say NO, our self-esteem will tank because we feel like we’re being used, doing it for someone else and/or doing something we don’t really want to do. Side note here: all of these tips can still apply to casual hookups and one night stands if that’s your thing. Sound good? Great!
2. Communicate what you do and do not like.Don’t be afraid to communicate with your partner. Communication can make or break your confidence in an intimate situation. It’s so important to communicate and tell your partner what you like and also what you don’t like. Follow up with asking them what they do/do not like so it’s a two-sided effort so make sure you’re listening to your partner as well. The more you both communicate, the better it will be for both of you and the more confident you’ll fee. Pretty sexy, right?
3. Remember: your partner is in the same boat.Remember that your partner is human and has insecurities too. This is another reason why communication is so important. The more you communicate to them about your wants, needs and insecurities, the more you’ll give them permission to do the same which will set the tone for a safe and comfortable sexual relationship.
4. Be more open about sex.Don’t’ feel like you have to hide or be silent when it comes to the topic of sex. Talk about your sexual experiences with your partner and/or friends you feel safe around. Make sure sex isn’t the “forbidden fruit” or a taboo topic. Don’t attach shame and give it dominance over you because it’s something for you to ENJOY.
5. Set the mood.Do something to transition yourself into your “sensual nature.” Often we go about our lives and we forget to switch roles intentionally which is why we end up bringing our stresses, insecurities and anxieties into the bedroom. Do something to get yourself in the mood like read a pleasurable book (whether that’s erotica or not), take a bath, get in your favorite P.J.’s/ lingerie, put lotion on yourself, etc. Something to get you in a calm, relaxed state. The more comfortable and relaxed you are, and the more you’ve let go of the stresses of the day, the more you can confidently enjoy that time with your partner.
6. Use eye contact!OMG this is seriously so important. Sometimes we don’t look someone in the eyes because we’re too scared to be vulnerable. Trust me, your partner is also feeling vulnerable, I mean, how can you not feel vulnerable when you’re in an intimate situation? But there is seriously nothing sexier or more emotionally connecting than looking in your partner’s eyes as you’re getting intimate and close to each other. Eye contact also makes communicating easier because you can detect subtle changes in their facial expression when they’re enjoying themselves. Pretty damn sexy. Trust me, there’s not much better than watching their face express how they’re feeling.
7. Don’t Worry About “Mistakes”- there are none!Remember that there is no messing up in sex. Sex is supposed to be imperfect. You’re two real, imperfect human beings. You’re not actors in a film. Hollywood and porn make everything look perfect, hair and makeup done to perfection, sexy lingerie courtesy of the costume department, perfect lighting, everything perfectly staged and choreographed, THAT’S NOT REAL!!! And if that was real it would be really freakin’ boring! It’s those little moments of imperfection that make that time together so special. Fumbling with the hook on your bra, accidentally bumping your heads together, cracking a joke and spending 5 minutes laughing hysterically…you don’t see these things in the movies but they’re what makes that time special between the two of you because it’s unique to your relationship. And that’s sexy AF.
8. Fake it till you make it!Okay now people go back and forth on this concept but I think it’s an incredible tool because it forces you to BE the sex panther you want to be and then you realize that it’s actually quite fun being a sexy panther and then your partner gets turned on by it and then you like that and then it creates a positive feedback loop! Now obviously I’m not talking about faking enjoyment, that’s a totally different thing and not positive at all. But what I am saying, is take your usual insecurities and fears and turn them around, pretend to be the type of person that isn’t insecure or fearful about those things. Pretend that you feel super sexy and strong. Get some new and different lingerie or light some candles, switch up your usual environment to make you feel more empowered even if that’s not how you typically feel. I think you’ll find that pretty quickly, especially as your partner starts responding to you, you’ll start to feel more empowered and confident.