I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve searched “how to feel sexy and confident in the bedroom” because so many of my body-image insecurities were tangled up with my sexuality. It felt like I was either too much or not enough. I was constantly trying to be sexy for guys (but not too sexy, of course, because I didn’t want other girls to judge or slut-shame me). Women must constantly walk this thin line between our own desires and society’s sexist expectations of us.
Now? I’m on a totally different journey. I want to feel sexy, confident, and empowered for ME—not for someone else’s gaze or Instagram likes or what society says is attractive.
Before I dive into my real, honest tips on how to be sexier in bed and feel comfortable in your own skin, I want to share a bit of backstory. If you’re experiencing sexual shame or feeling insecure in your body, you’re not alone!
My Journey to Feeling Sexy in My Skin
Growing up, I didn’t just dislike my body—I felt ashamed of it. Not because I chose that shame, but because the world projected so much onto me. I developed early, and by age 11 I was already getting stares, comments, catcalls from grown men. At the same time, I’d hear judgmental remarks from girls or get backhanded compliments about how I “had curves.”
Some of the attention was flattering, while most of it made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable in my own skin. It was a weird mix of being objectified and criticized, and honestly, it made me feel like my body wasn’t mine. Every comment and every look made me see myself through other people’s eyes. It’s like I lost the ability to feel from the inside out, and instead, started viewing my body the way others saw it.
Note: I later learned that this phenomenon is called “self-objectification.” This podcast episode with Lindsay Kite from Beauty Redefined explains how self-objectification destroys girls and women.
Self-objectification causes you to judge your body based on how others SEE it, instead of how you FEEL in it. If you want to be sexier in bed, you must first unpack those deep-rooted body-image struggles.
That One Comment That Shattered Me
Flash forward to 2015—I was competing in bodybuilding shows and dating someone who was also in the fitness world. On the surface, we vibed over our shared love of lifting and gym life, but the relationship? It was toxic, emotionally manipulative, and completely messed with my self-worth.
After my second bikini competition, I gained about 20 pounds. Which, by the way, is totally normal in that world because the prep is basically starvation and dehydration with a side of body dysmorphia. But at the time, I felt like a failure. I’d “lost” the body I worked so hard for, and mentally, I was spiraling.
One night during an intimate moment, this person looked at me and said, “I’m so glad you’re not skinny anymore. I don’t like f*cking skinny girls.”
My brain broke. I was like—wait, what?? So all that effort I put in to be thin was pointless? And now I’m “not skinny” and that’s supposed to be a compliment?
All I could think in my head was “WTF, WTF, WTF” on repeat.
It wasn’t about the comment itself. It was the way it made me feel like my entire identity was up for debate depending on who I was with. I was constantly looking for approval—from men especially—but was never able to validate and love myself.
Your Body Is Yours
It took a lot of time, tears, and unlearning to get to this place, but here’s what I want you to know: your body is yours. It’s not a performance. It’s not a product. It’s not a trophy for someone else to judge or validate.
YOUR body is YOUR home.
And you have every right to want to feel sexy in your body. Pleasure is our birthright!
If you’ve ever felt insecure about being naked with someone, this article will help boost your body confidence. And if you’ve Googled “how to be sexier in bed” more times than you’d like to admit, then read on. Here are my 8 raw, real tips to help you feel confident in your body and thus, be sexier in bed.
1. Safety First: Feeling Sexy Can’t Happen Without Comfort
Before anything else, the sexiest thing you can do for yourself is to make sure you feel safe– physically, emotionally, mentally—with the person you’re with. That safety is the foundation. Without it, everything else crumbles.
You can be wearing the hottest lingerie in the world, but if you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or unsure, your body is going to shut down. Trust me. I’ve been there. If you’re just doing it to please someone else, or worse, because you’re afraid to say no, that’s NOT sexy. That’s self-abandonment.
And yes, this even applies to casual hookups. You can be into one-night stands and still require emotional safety and respect. Sex should never come at the expense of your boundaries.
2. Speak Up About What Turns You On (And Off)
Talking about sex can feel awkward, especially if you’ve never done it before. But it’s one of the most empowering things you can do. If you want to be sexier in bed, start by using your voice. And not just with dirty talk 😉 Tell your partner what feels good! Ask them what they like! Express what does and doesn’t work for you.
Your confidence will skyrocket when you stop pretending and start owning your pleasure. It creates this loop of mutual respect, desire, and yes—some really good sex. Sexy isn’t just about how you look in bed; it’s about how you connect in bed.
3. Remember: They’re Naked Too
We put so much pressure on ourselves to look perfect during sex. But the truth? Your partner is probably just as insecure about their body. They’re probably wondering how they smell, if they’re doing a good job, or whether their stomach looks weird in that lighting. They might also be googling “how to be sexier in bed” and reading this blog post.
This is another reason why communication is so important. The more you communicate to them about your wants, needs aaaaand insecurities, the more you’ll give them permission to open up too. You can set the tone for a safe and comfortable sexual relationship. It will make both of you feel more open and therefore, sexy and confident in the bedroom.
Being vulnerable together is hot.
If you’re struggling to communicate your needs, wants, and desires, listen to this podcast episode with renowned sexologist Shan Boodram. We also talk about body confidence in the bedroom and how to feel sexy in a long-term relationship.
4. Make Sex Less Taboo
You know what kills sexiness faster than anything? Shame. If sex feels like a forbidden topic, it creates this energy of secrecy, guilt, and shame around it. What a buzz/ boner/ clit kill!
So start talking about sex more. With your partner. With friends you trust. With yourself. Journal about it. Read books. Watch educational videos. The more open you are about your sexual self, the less shame you’ll carry. And when shame drops? Confidence rises.
If you want to know how to feel sexy in the bedroom, ask yourself what makes YOU feel sexy. Not Sally or Jane or the editor of Cosmo magazine, but YOU.
Books to help you feel sexy and confident in your body:
- Pussy: A Reclamation by Regina Thomashauer
- Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD
And if you’re looking for more book recommendations, check out this blog post with my top 12 books about self-love for women.
5. Set the Sexy Mood
Make sure you do something to transition yourself into your “sensual nature.” Often we go about our lives and we forget to switch roles intentionally which is why we end up bringing our stresses, insecurities and anxieties into the bedroom.
Do something to get yourself out of daily life and into the sexy mood! That could look like taking a bath, playing a sexy playlist, wearing something that feels soft and luxurious, or lighting your favorite candle. Maybe you read erotica or touch yourself before sex to get in the mood. Anything to get you in a calm, relaxed state. This isn’t about putting on a performance—it’s about reconnecting with yourself before proceeding to enjoy intimacy with someone else.
Here’s a list of 100 ways to love yourself AKA easy habits for more self-love.
6. If You Want to Be Sexier in Bed, Make Eye Contact
Sometimes we don’t look someone in the eyes because we’re too scared to be vulnerable. Trust me, your partner is also feeling vulnerable. I mean, how can you not feel vulnerable when you’re in an intimate situation? But eye contact during intimacy builds trust, connection, and makes you feel seen. And honestly, when you feel seen and safe, your body responds.
Plus, when you look at your partner’s face, you can pick up on their cues—what they’re enjoying, how they’re feeling. And knowing that they’re turned on by you? Yeah, that’s a massive confidence booster.
7. There’s No Such Thing as “Messing Up” in Bed
Sex is supposed to be imperfect! You’re two real, imperfect human beings, not actors in a film. Hollywood and porn make everything look perfect: hair and makeup done to perfection, sexy lingerie courtesy of the costume department, perfect lighting, crazy unrealistic cosmetic surgeries, everything perfectly staged and choreographed, THAT’S NOT REAL!!! And if it was real and every sexual encounter did look/ feel the same, that would be really freakin’ boring!
It’s those little moments of imperfection that make that time together so special. Fumbling with the hook on your bra, accidentally bumping your heads together, cracking a joke and spending 5 minutes laughing hysterically… you don’t see these things in the movies but they’re what makes sex so special and unique to your relationship dynamic. If you want to be sexier in bed, own those imperfections– they make you and your partner HUMAN. Robots aren’t sexy. Humans are.
8. Confidence Is a Muscle—So Fake It (Until It Feels Real)
Okay, I know there’s some controversy around the whole “fake it till you make it” thing when it comes to confidence—but hear me out. This isn’t about pretending to enjoy something you’re not into or faking orgasms (we don’t do that here). What I’m talking about is faking the mindset of confidence to help you step into a more empowered version of yourself.
Sometimes the quickest way to feel sexy in bed is to play a little mental trick on yourself. Create an alter ego. Channel your inner sex panther. You know, the version of you who doesn’t obsess over how her stomach looks in that position or if the light is hitting her cellulite. She’s too busy enjoying herself. She’s bold. She’s confident. She initiates. She knows her pleasure matters.
You don’t have to feel fully confident in your body to start acting like someone who is. That’s the magic of this tool—you can borrow the confidence of your alter ego until it starts to seep into your real self. Eventually, it becomes a positive feedback loop. You act confident, your partner picks up on that energy and responds with desire, which makes you feel even more confident, and so on.
Fake it until you don’t have to anymore.
Try the thing that scares you. Make the first move. Wear the outfit you always felt too insecure to try. Spritz on the perfume that makes you feel like a goddess. Switch up the lights or music in your space. Share a fantasy you’ve been too shy to say out loud. Even test out a new fetish just to see how it feels.
At the very least, you’ll learn what doesn’t do it for you—and that’s still valuable. But best case? You unlock a new layer of your sexuality. You stop waiting for confidence to magically arrive and start creating it by stepping into the version of you who already knows she’s sexy.
Because honestly, she’s already in there. She’s just waiting for you to let her out.
Final Thoughts: Feeling Sexy in Bed Is an Inside Job
Being sexier in bed has way less to do with your body and way more to do with your relationship to it. When you feel confident in your body and comfortable in your skin, that radiates. That’s what makes you magnetic.
You deserve to feel proud of your body, connected to your pleasure, and deeply grounded in your sexuality. Not just for someone else, but for you.
Pleasure is your birthright.
Claim it.
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